An old year closes and a new one begins. It’s pretty typical for me to make a
resolution every year, and I’m not so bad at sticking to it. But this year is different. This year, rather than making resolutions, I
have decided upon a theme that will guide my life in 2013. I like this idea because it offers
opportunities for many resolutions that fit under the theme and lots of
flexibility for living under the theme depending on the road upon which life
carries me. I’m VERY excited about this,
and I want to preface it with a little back-story that really gives life to
what I hope to achieve in 2013.
I read a very interesting blog post from a girl that I think
I need to meet someday – she calls herself the “Shy Singer-Songwriter”. Talk about my twin! In her blog, she mentions that in her youth,
she rarely felt any other emotions other than discomfort and fear. I can relate very closely to this. Granted, I recall some good feelings –
happiness, satisfaction, love, enjoyment…but the only negative feelings I
recall are discomfort, anxiety, and fear.
To give you an example, I distinctly recall the day my Mom and Dad
gathered all five of us kids in the living room to announce that they were
getting a divorce – no doubt an announcement that would trigger some deep
emotions. But I can still see myself
sitting there watching my older brother and sister get angry, and my younger
brother and sister start crying, and having absolutely no idea how to react. So I didn’t.
Now I don’t know why this is, but I suspect it’s connected an inability
to give myself validation of my own feelings, and to a mantra I put on myself
at a young age to be the savior of the world – how selfish was I to waste time
with negative feelings when there were so many problems around me?
There was only one time I freely allowed myself to explore
my feelings, to be human, and to feel things that I closed myself off from
elsewhere: songwriting. For some reason,
when I was writing music, I was allowed to do or be anything. I could be sad, frustrated, lovesick, angry,
jealous, whatever awful feelings I felt I was not privy to. Now, I RARELY shared these emotions or songs
with others. For some strange reason, I would love and
worship others who expressed conflicting and avid emotions through song (famous
or not), but I was always far too insecure of my own feelings to give myself
the same permissions. I do remember one
song I wrote that articulated everything I felt about myself and expressed for
the first time the inner struggle I had with perfectionism. I think Mikey Michaud is the only one who
ever heard it – “What I Wanna Be”.
Back to my New Year’s Theme. 2012 has been very much a
preparation for 2013, even though I didn’t realize it. Life is awesome that way. 2012 marked my venturing back into
songwriting and singing after a near 6-year hiatus (with a little bit of
dabbling in music theatre here and there).
It also was fraught with hours upon hours of brain power and career
counseling as I tried to work out what I want to do with my life. I watched my best friend wield confidence and
intense love to make a difference in Denver – the majority of my inspiration
for chasing my dreams. I moved into a more
suitable job role with a more suitable company.
I did my first live performance of original music written by me and my
guitarist. I began making my first CD. All with much love and support from my
husband and daughter. Now I plan to take
all that, mold it, mesh it, and take the next step forward with my 2013 theme:
Wield Passion to Make a Difference
I’m not sure yet how I’m going to accomplish this. I only know that it will likely have an
element singing/songwriting, and it will hopefully involve a lifelong desire to
work with youth. I know the first step
will be to record and publish “What I Wanna Be” on my future album, and finally
allow myself to be open about that crazy insecure girl I once was, and in many
ways, still am. But I’m trying not to
define it too closely just yet. As it
has been known to do, life takes unexpected turns, and this theme could end up
meaning something entirely different than I’d planned. But I have a starting point, and many people to thank for getting me
here over the past year, and over life in general:
Chris – my husband.
For being the first person I ever really felt I could express my
deepest, most private emotions to and who never judges me for or holds me back
from being who I am.
Alyssa – my daughter.
For inspiring me to chase my dreams.
Every day I wonder what kind of example I’m setting for her – I so
desire for her to never lose her innocent desire to pursue her dreams and
desires. She will only do that if she
sees her parents achieve the same.
Sarah Weight – my bestie.
For showing me how to love without bonds and turn that into something
tangible to make a difference. Her
confidence in her own feelings and aspirations is truly inspiring.
My Dad – who always believed in me and is constantly
overwhelmingly supportive and proud of even my smallest accomplishments.
My Mom – for having the foresight to start me in piano
lessons at the young age of 4, and for starting me in a program that I believe
helped me build creativity and musical mind.
I am prepared to start Alyssa on her journey in the exact same way and
see where it takes her.
Belinda – who was always my biggest supporter as a
songwriter in my youth. We had some
rough times in those days, but I always, always remember how excited she was
about the songs I wrote, and how much encouragement and motivation she gave me
to pursue that talent and share it with others.
Close Friends old and new – who put up with me and my OCD
and perfectionist tendencies which I once did not understand, and which the
world tended to value and reward despite their often debilitating side
effects. For helping to open my eyes a
little bit to what the world has to offer when we relax and let ourselves screw
up and just be who we are.
And many more. Let’s
make 2013 the best year yet and get one baby step closer to who we want to be.
Happy New Year!!