Monday, December 31, 2012

Stepping Forward Into the New Year



An old year closes and a new one begins.  It’s pretty typical for me to make a resolution every year, and I’m not so bad at sticking to it.  But this year is different.  This year, rather than making resolutions, I have decided upon a theme that will guide my life in 2013.  I like this idea because it offers opportunities for many resolutions that fit under the theme and lots of flexibility for living under the theme depending on the road upon which life carries me.  I’m VERY excited about this, and I want to preface it with a little back-story that really gives life to what I hope to achieve in 2013.

I read a very interesting blog post from a girl that I think I need to meet someday – she calls herself the “Shy Singer-Songwriter”.  Talk about my twin!  In her blog, she mentions that in her youth, she rarely felt any other emotions other than discomfort and fear.  I can relate very closely to this.  Granted, I recall some good feelings – happiness, satisfaction, love, enjoyment…but the only negative feelings I recall are discomfort, anxiety, and fear.  To give you an example, I distinctly recall the day my Mom and Dad gathered all five of us kids in the living room to announce that they were getting a divorce – no doubt an announcement that would trigger some deep emotions.  But I can still see myself sitting there watching my older brother and sister get angry, and my younger brother and sister start crying, and having absolutely no idea how to react.  So I didn’t.  Now I don’t know why this is, but I suspect it’s connected an inability to give myself validation of my own feelings, and to a mantra I put on myself at a young age to be the savior of the world – how selfish was I to waste time with negative feelings when there were so many problems around me?

There was only one time I freely allowed myself to explore my feelings, to be human, and to feel things that I closed myself off from elsewhere: songwriting.  For some reason, when I was writing music, I was allowed to do or be anything.  I could be sad, frustrated, lovesick, angry, jealous, whatever awful feelings I felt I was not privy to.  Now, I RARELY shared these emotions or songs with others.  For some strange reason, I would love and worship others who expressed conflicting and avid emotions through song (famous or not), but I was always far too insecure of my own feelings to give myself the same permissions.  I do remember one song I wrote that articulated everything I felt about myself and expressed for the first time the inner struggle I had with perfectionism.  I think Mikey Michaud is the only one who ever heard it – “What I Wanna Be”.

Back to my New Year’s Theme. 2012 has been very much a preparation for 2013, even though I didn’t realize it.  Life is awesome that way.  2012 marked my venturing back into songwriting and singing after a near 6-year hiatus (with a little bit of dabbling in music theatre here and there).  It also was fraught with hours upon hours of brain power and career counseling as I tried to work out what I want to do with my life.  I watched my best friend wield confidence and intense love to make a difference in Denver – the majority of my inspiration for chasing my dreams.  I moved into a more suitable job role with a more suitable company.  I did my first live performance of original music written by me and my guitarist.  I began making my first CD.  All with much love and support from my husband and daughter.  Now I plan to take all that, mold it, mesh it, and take the next step forward with my 2013 theme:

Wield Passion to Make a Difference

I’m not sure yet how I’m going to accomplish this.  I only know that it will likely have an element singing/songwriting, and it will hopefully involve a lifelong desire to work with youth.  I know the first step will be to record and publish “What I Wanna Be” on my future album, and finally allow myself to be open about that crazy insecure girl I once was, and in many ways, still am.  But I’m trying not to define it too closely just yet.  As it has been known to do, life takes unexpected turns, and this theme could end up meaning something entirely different than I’d planned.  But I have a starting point, and  many people to thank for getting me here over the past year, and over life in general:

Chris – my husband.  For being the first person I ever really felt I could express my deepest, most private emotions to and who never judges me for or holds me back from being who I am.

Alyssa – my daughter.  For inspiring me to chase my dreams.  Every day I wonder what kind of example I’m setting for her – I so desire for her to never lose her innocent desire to pursue her dreams and desires.  She will only do that if she sees her parents achieve the same.

Sarah Weight – my bestie.  For showing me how to love without bonds and turn that into something tangible to make a difference.  Her confidence in her own feelings and aspirations is truly inspiring.

My Dad – who always believed in me and is constantly overwhelmingly supportive and proud of even my smallest accomplishments.

My Mom – for having the foresight to start me in piano lessons at the young age of 4, and for starting me in a program that I believe helped me build creativity and musical mind.  I am prepared to start Alyssa on her journey in the exact same way and see where it takes her.

Belinda – who was always my biggest supporter as a songwriter in my youth.  We had some rough times in those days, but I always, always remember how excited she was about the songs I wrote, and how much encouragement and motivation she gave me to pursue that talent and share it with others.

Close Friends old and new – who put up with me and my OCD and perfectionist tendencies which I once did not understand, and which the world tended to value and reward despite their often debilitating side effects.  For helping to open my eyes a little bit to what the world has to offer when we relax and let ourselves screw up and just be who we are.

And many more.  Let’s make 2013 the best year yet and get one baby step closer to who we want to be.

Happy New Year!!